Picking My Brain

Here’s the link to a hyptertext project I just uploaded to the web.  I’m pretty proud of it, so go check it out if you get a minute!  Let me know what you think!

So here’s the sad, weird, demented and whatever else you can think of to describe the latest fiasco between my mother and me.

This all started somewhere at the end of January. My brother called and left a message on my answering machine telling me that my Mom was looking for me and to call her. I hadn’t called her for two weeks, so I decided to give up some sleep (I worked the night before, then had class that morning so I didn’t get to sleep until late that afternoon) and call her back. We were on the phone for about an hour and a half, and most of which was her ranting and raving at me. She berated me about stuff that we had already gone over and I thought was past history. She made me feel like nothing about my life was ever right. Like school for instance. A big part of me pushing so hard to finish school now is because it means so much to her. No, it’s not my only reason, but it’s a big one. But when I told her that I have to go to class 5 days a week this semester, she freaked out. She said that my schedule was hard enough last semester going 4 days, basically, how could I handle a worse schedule this semester. I reminded her that I, in fact, got As in both classes last semester, so I think I can handle it just fine. But it wasn’t good enough. According to her, if I hadn’t waited so long, I might have been able to get into the other class that was only one day a week. But I had issues with holds on my account that weren’t supposed to be there and getting in touch with the professor who had to sign me into the class. For some reason, my mother didn’t believe me that no matter when I tried to register for the class, I need the professor’s permission since it’s a required class for the program and this way they can make sure that only Comm. majors enroll in the class.

Her other big topic was Ben. All she did was put him down. She criticized the way we run our home, specifically what bills are in my name and what are in his. First of all, it’s none of her business how we decided to work it out. Chances are, we have a very good reason for why we decided to do it the way we did. Second, apparently I need to not have so many things in my name because I have to “be realistic, it’s 2007. He could leave” me. That’s probably the remark that hurt the worst. Of course he could leave. But I know how much he loves me. I’m 99% sure if anyone does the leaving in our relationship, it’s going to be me - and I’m certainly not going anywhere. But she just kept coming back to him and just kept talking bad about him.

I should have known when she basically started the phone call with “you’re probably going to be mad and you can hang up any time…”. I should have hung up. I just lay there sobbing in bed while she ranted and raved like a lunatic about how Ben and I are such losers and how after leaving home the way I did I should be grateful that they even still talk to me. Way to bring up stuff from 2 YEARS AGO!! And no, if that’s the way we’re going to be treated, then I’m not grateful that they still talk to me. That wasn’t talking; that was berating and belittling. Me showing gratitude does not mean that she gets to say whatever she wants and I have to always go crawling back for more.

So far it really looks like I’m going to finally graduate this May (pending the final okay from the Academic office). Not only was I really looking forward to finally have that out from over my head, but it also meant that I met all of my family’s requirements and we could finally start planning our wedding. However, I don’t see how my mom is going to be able to get over her whole “I hate Ben” thing and actually have fun planning a wedding for him. Liesle was talking to her awhile ago and she thinks that once I graduate college she’ll get excited about the wedding. I’m graduating college in about a month, and all she was focused on was what I had done wrong in the past three years, not the fact that I’m graduating college in four months! So why should, or would, she get excited over me marrying the guy she spent an hour berating!

I’ve been going back and forth between planning the traditional wedding that I’ve always wanted and something completely different. If my mom doesn’t do a complete 180 for my wedding, then I had the idea to just cancel the whole traditional wedding thing. Ben and I would disappear for a week, just the two of us, and we would come back married. No families, nothing but the two of us. Of course, this would never happen. First, Liesle would kill me if she couldn’t be there for my wedding. Second, it wouldn’t be fair to Ben’s family. They’ve been happy and supportive from the beginning. They’re looking forward to the wedding. Plus, the rest of my family, or at least my grandmother, would be disappointed. Actually, I’m not sure how much of the rest of the family would even really care if there wasn’t a wedding. Most importantly, Ben isn’t thrilled with the idea. He knows his family would be upset. Plus he knows that I was really looking forward to a traditional wedding and I wouldn’t really be happy with eloping. Still, there’s something about the whole idea that I like. I like it being about just the two of us. So we’ll have to see what happens.

As for my mother, I haven’t spoken to her since the phone call. I was emailing my dad every week or so, but I haven’t heard back from him either. After about two emails he sent me one that said “I’ve been really busy, I’ll get with you ASAP.” That was the last I’ve heard from him. And that was about early to mid-February. My brother has been giving me some information from the home front, and apparently my dad hasn’t told her anything. He didn’t even bother to tell her in the beginning that I had emailed him.  So a few weeks later of course it came out in conversation between my mom and brother about the email.  She said something about the “fictitious” email I had sent.  So apparently my father is not even telling her that I’m emailing him, much less the mundane, everyday things that I’ve been telling him about.

And the visit with my grandmother?  It was enlightening.  She feels that my mother treats her the same.  She shared stories with me about time my mother had done the exact same things to her.  The only difference is, my grandmother always forgives her.  She advised that I do the same.  I am very willing to let all of this go and have it be water under the bridge.  She doesn’t even have to say I’m sorry.  All she has to do is contact me and ask me what’s going on.  She has to make the first step in fixing it.  I’m ready to be done with it all.  I miss going over there and talking to her.  Plus, Easter is not this weekend, but next.  Oh yeah, and my birthday is this coming Tuesday.  But I’m pretty sure that my mom won’t call even then.  I’ve mentioned Easter to my Dad twice, but he’s not telling my mom anything about me, so I’m guessing that a holiday or my birthday won’t even be a good enough reason for her to make the first move.

So who knows how long this will go on.  The way my mother remembers things and holds grudges, she never will try to fix the situation.  But she’ll never learn that it’s not okay for her to treat me like this if I don’t stand my ground.

It’s been quiet the past few days.  This week has been spring break, plus my boss finally put me back on second shift.  I am enjoying very much being able to be up during the day, especially since the weather has been in the 70s the past two days.  I feel like a real human being again, and not like a vampire doing most of my living after the sun sets.

Tomorrow I have off of work and school, so I’ve decided to go down to my grandmother’s for the day.  I haven’t seen, or even talked with her since New Year’s Eve eve. I am anxious to see her for several reasons.  One is that I really do miss her and her house.  I guess I never realized how much I was there until it became a two-hour drive to get there.  If I find myself homesick, it’s always for her house, not my parents.  She and I have always been close, ever since I spent lots of time with her while my mom and dad were in and out of the hospital when my mom was pregnant with Jeremy.
Second, I’m anxious to see her because I’m hoping she can make me feel better.  I’m not really sure if she can or not, but maybe she can offer me some insight into my mother.  There was an incident about a month and a half ago with her that I haven’t blogged about yet.  I really even can’t think much about it without getting indescribably angry and sad.  The abridged (for now) story is that my mother said things that hurt my feelings terribly, and I am not refusing to have contact with her until she reaches out to me and apologizes for how she treated me.  I going to talk to her about the situation and ask her for her advice and input.  I’m hoping she can give me some insight on why my mother did what she did, and if I’m doing the right thing.  Plus, I want to run interference on whatever my mother may be telling her.  I want her to know that I did not do anything wrong, and that I am not the one to be blamed.

Maybe my grandmother will even talk to my mother after we talk and get the message to her that she needs to be the one to fix this.  I’ve been trying to get my dad clued in,but I think it’s useless.  I’ve been regularly emailing him to keep him updated with my life, but all I’ve gotten back was one short email that he was really busy and that he’d get back to me ASAP.  That was like three weeks ago.  And I know from my brother that he hasn’t told her anything…not even that I’m emailing him.  Anything she knows is because my brother brought it up, and I’m trying really hard to keep him out of things because I know my mother will take things out on him.

So if nothing else, maybe it will be theraputic for me to talk to my grandmother.  The only person I’ve really talked to is Ben.  I know he supports me and thinks that I’m doing the right thing.  But it’s  really starting to get to me that nobody else in my family, the people who are supposed to care the most for me and be there when I need them, have seemingly left me out in the cold.

Well, I need to go get ready for work.  I have some posting to catch up on, I have lots of neat pictures from when Ben and I went down and spent some time with Liesle and Chris.  I also have pictures from last week when Ben and I went to the Philadelphia Flower Show.  I should also have some pictures to post from this coming Saturday.  I think Liesle, Liz and Lauren are coming up to go out to dinner then to go out Irish Pub hopping in honor of St. Patrick’s Day.  Plus, I do have a post that I’ve been working on about the whole incident with my mother,and I’ll tell you how things go with my grandmother.  What a time for our desktop computer to decide to crash.  My laptop is not doing well, and it’s difficult to type on such a small screen.

So, I’m off.  Hopefully I’ll be all caught up soon!

…has apparently moved into our apartment!

I got up early this morning to finish up some homework before class.  Gretta was running around the apartment like she usually does at that time of day, chasing her imagination.  All of a sudden, she started making her, “Mommy, I caught it!  Look and tell me what a good kitty I am!” meow behind me.  This meow is common, she does it every time she ‘catches’ one of her toys.  So I turned around as she put it down on the floor, and like the crazy cat-lady that I am, started talking to her.

Now, most of her toys are brightly colored, and I happened to notice that when she put down her toy, it was a pretty dark color.  I got up to go over and investigate, and realized that not only had she caught one of her “mousies,” she had caught and killed a real mouse!

I knew that mice were around, when we first moved in I tried keep our bread in a drawer in the kitchen, but it kept coming out with little nibble marks.  I also found mouse droppings in the drawer.  So I scratched that idea and made sure all food was alway where mice couldn’t get it.  I never actually saw a mouse in the apartment, and I figured with three cats living in such a tiny space, they would quickly run and not return.

So I guess it’s good to know that if a mouse does get so bold as to venture forth from where ever it’s hiding into the apartment, our might hunter will stalk them down.  Just as long as I can get to them before she starts eating or dismembering them…..ew!

Just goofing off this morning and thought I would post what I was up to.

In case you forget, this is what I look like (not the best picture of me, I know):

Now this is what that same picture would look like if I were a South Park character!

Again, what I look like:

And what I might look like as an M-M:

How about Ben? Here’s what he looks like:

And here’s how he’d look on South Park:

Speaking of Ben, here’s how he thought I would look on South Park:

To get your own alter-egos, go to:

www.becomeanmm.com

or

www.sp-studio.de/

Lots of things to tell you about, I’ve been uber-busy the past few weeks!

So nothing happened with that scumbag at work. Supposedly he got written up again for saying malicious things about employees (he had an incident a few weeks earlier where he said that he didn’t want to work with P. because he though P. was gay). I didn’t talk to him for a few weeks. I’m talking to him now and acting friendly, but if he even breathes wrong he’s going to regret it. I’ll take the high road now that my anger has subsided, but I won’t forget.

The other day I happened to decide that it was time to rotate my Christmas Cactus so the other side could get some direct sunlight. I’ve been concerned that I seemed to have a healthy plant, but it had never bloomed since I bought it about two years ago. Well, when I turned it around, I found four flower buds! I was guarding them like they were gold to make sure they bloom. One has, and is now almost done, but the other three are about to pop. How pathetic am I that this is something exciting in my life?

Ben and I went to our first Flyers game on the 8th. Apparently Ben’s work gets all kinds of tickets and stuff, and Ben was given a pair of Flyers tickets as a thank-you for all of his hard work. So we decided to go, considering it was free and neither of us had ever been to a hockey game before. We had a good time. Our seats were amazing, we were in the 11th row at just about center ice right behind the flyers box (they were worth like $80 or $90 apiece!). Since the box was there, we were 8 rows back from the players. They played the Pittsburg Penguins that night, and lost in an overtime shootout when Gagne missed the shot. We’re hoping he gets tickets again sometime so we can go again. Click to see larger images.

Up against the Pittsburg Penguins

Go Flyers!

That’s how close to the players’ box we were!

Simon Gagne

Yeah, we were really close!

Gagne setting up for his shot in the overtime shootout.

Gagne missed the shot to loose the game.

I found a job that I applied for. It was only a part time job, but i though it might be a good starting place. It’s was a Communications Coordinator for the Tyler Aboretum down in Media. The job responsibilities were publicizing & promoting Tyler’s strategic mission, programs, activities & exhibits to the public; producing Tyler’s newsletter, annual report, website, brochures & signage; and acting as media contact. Between all the groups I was involved with at Stockton, plus the newspaper, I thought I’d be a good candidate for the job. So I sent out my resume. I emailed it in, but before I had a chance to mail a hard copy as well, the guy emailed me back saying that they were already in final interviews with people they felt were more qualified. I think that means that they had somebody in-house they wanted to give the job to, but had to advertise the job to the public for leagal purposes. I haven’t seen anything else to apply for yet, but I’m hoping to find something soon.

The day before Valentine’s Day was Ben’s and my 5-year anniversary, so to celebrate that and Valentine’s Day I took off and we went down to the Brandywine/Chadd’s Ford area for the weekend. Ben found a package deal at a very nice place called The Mendenhall Inn. We had a very nice and fancy dinner at the Mendenhall on Saturday. Sunday we slept in a little then had breakfast there too. The package came with tickets to a bunch of places, so we used the ones to the Brandywine River Museum. We were also going to go to Longwood Gardens and Winterthur (one of the du Pont mansions) but it was cold and windy and there’s still like 2 inches of snow and ice on the ground here. We found out that the tickets are good for a year, so we’re saving Longwood and Winterthur for the spring when everything is in bloom. Winterthur apparently has some beautiful gardens. So instead we were going to go to a little town just across into Delaware called Hockassin, but we weren’t sure of the directions and ended up taking a long ride down Rt. 82. It’s a beautiful drive, it winds all though some huge hills and we oogled the gigantic mansions that we came across. Apparently that area of Delaware is very affluent.

The other week I was a little early to my Tuesday-Thursday class. I walked into the classroom, and the professor from the last class was still there talking to a few students. I happened to look at her, and realized that she was my old neighbor who I used to babysit the triplets for. We small-talked for a little bit, then she told me the cutest thing. For the Christmas that I was still babysitting for them, I have the triplets these really soft, fleecy blankets with a snowflake pattern. She told me that the kids still had the blankets and Alexis had hers out the night before and told her that it was the blanket she used when she was hoping for snow. That made me so happy. I’m sure they don’t remember me at all, but I’m glad that they are still enjoying and getting use out of something I gave them.

So it seems so far school is going well. I have my graduation application in, so I’m waiting for final word on that. My one class is incredibly easy, basically it’s “how to use Microsoft Office”, which I’m already practically an expert in. My other class is much more time consuming than I thought. There’s a lot of homework. So I made the decision last week to cut back my hours at work. So now I’m working four nine-hour days instead of 5 nine-hour days. I’ll miss all that overtime pay, but I was really stressed out at the beginning of the semester because I was already really far behind in my class and I had absolutely no time to get my work done.

So I guess that’s all. I keep trying to update more often, but I really do have a tough schedule. So bear with me!!